Whenever I'm around very sophisticated, confident, or powerful people, I always feel like I'm about 13 years old. Like a foolish little girl. I think I've written about that before.That feeling came back yesterday when my 15 year old daughter had some of her friends over. I realized, with some shock, that all those girls were far more sophisticated than I am.
How did that happen?
How do they know know all the rules of the game?
Was I the only one who wasn't issued a playbook?
Was there a class that I missed?
How does everyone else just seem to "get it"?
I have another birthday rolling around in a couple of weeks, but I still haven't shaken off the wide eyed, clueless little girl inside.
I guess I'm stuck with her.
Yet I'm forced to go around masquerading as an adult.
How does the rest of the adult population know so much about sophistication, coolness, and casual sex?
How do they know about cocktails and politics and corporate America?
Where did they learn about fashion and hipness and what's in and what's out?
How do they make themselves even care about these things?
How can they remember funny jokes and tell them?
How do people "get" jokes so quickly?
How do they understand business and stocks and sales and power?
How do they know how to manipulate and control?
How do people think of interesting things to say to other people?
How do people know where north, south, east, and west are?
Where do they get the confidence to lead, reprimand, and give orders?
How do they know how to act at parties?
How do they make themselves even like parties?
It's all quite mysterious to me.
I keep waiting for someone to check my emotional ID and announce to the world that I'm an imposter.
"Show her her to the door! She's not allowed to be an adult! She's only 13!"
But, the great irony is this:
In the same situations where I feel so young, ignorant, and confused, I also feel very, very old.
I look around, and the whole thing seems like a ridiculous game.
I watch all the competition, the jockeying for power and prestige, and I want to laugh.
I want to say,
"Can't you see how foolish all of this is?"
"Don't you know you're just playing a silly game?"
I often feel as if it's all some huge practical joke, but no one is catching on that they're being made fools of.
Doesn't anyone else see the man behind the curtain?
Am I very young or very old?
Am I a wise man or a fool?
Perhaps the joke is really on me.
