Someone close to me is going through a painful breakup right now. It hurts to have to watch helplessly from the sidelines, knowing there’s nothing I can do or say to fix things.
The worst fall-out from any break-up is all the wrenching, cruel, and downright mean things that people say to each other when they’re in the process of ending a relationship.
When people are in pain, they lash out and try to inflict the same pain on the one who hurt them.
They hurl words, carelessly and impulsively, like a two-year-old with a bucketful of hand grenades.
Those words scar for life. They erode self-esteem. They shatter confidence. Poison words are truly lethal weapons. The wounds they create may be invisible, but they’re far more crippling than a lost limb or shattered bone could ever be.
Words can’t be taken back. Ever. Sure, you can apologize or blame your words on stupidity, anger, or the heat of the moment, but still….the words have been said. They’re out there. A bell cannot be unrung.
And even if you later claim you didn’t mean what you said, both parties know those words came from some deep core of resentment. They know, no matter how vehemently the offender may deny it, that at the time the words were spoken, the speaker meant them.
Hurtful words fester in the memory for a long, long time. They linger in the mind and tear at the heart. The damage they do can never fully be repaired.
If people would only practice one thing, the universe would be a dramatically different place. That thing is…
Kindness.
Kindness is the most underrated virtue in the world. I am absolutely certain of it.
Quite honestly, I never used to think kindness was such a big deal.
If you had asked me, as a bright eyed young newlywed, to name the most important quality for a successful relationship, I’d probably have said communication.
Back then, I thought it was important for couples to express their thoughts and feelings to each other. Every thought. Every feeling. Nothing was too trivial to be discussed, examined, and analyzed.
The problem with such open and honest communication is that by voicing every thought that passes through your mind, you end up saying a lot of mean and unkind things. Stupid things. Things you regret saying later. Things that will come back to haunt you.
Although I still think it’s important to communicate, I think it’s more important to communicate with kindness. Yes, express yourself, but always with the feelings of the other party uppermost in mind. If something can’t be said without being cruel, vindictive, or petty, then it shouldn’t be said. Period.
Relationships don’t lack for “honest communication”. Not by a long shot.
What they desperately need is kindness.
There was an interesting study done by the Family Formation Project at the University of Washington. The researchers set out to study relationships. They wanted to find out what makes a relationship successful and to see if they could discover predictors of divorce.
After years of study, the team was able to predict which couples would divorce within four years of testing with a 94% rate of accuracy! Wow.
And guess what they found out? Healthy relationships are not based on communication, shared interests, or common backgrounds, but on one key ingredient…kindness.
The couples who were nice to each other, who spoke to one another with respect, who treated each other thoughtfully…those were the ones who were able to make their marriages work.
Couples whose interactions were filled with even “minor” instances of contempt, belittling, or disgust were the ones more likely to separate.
Little digs and cutting “jokes” may seem insignificant when they’re spoken, but, like trace amounts of toxins, they build up over time, polluting and eventually killing a relationship
How many times have we unleashed poison in the name of “honest communication”? How many times have we heard someone excuse a cruel remark with the words, “Hey, I was just being honest!”
But the “honesty” thing is a cop-out. It’s an excuse to pass off a cruel dig as a stellar virtue.
It seems like common sense to treat the people we love with the same courtesy and respect we show the people we work with. You wouldn’t dream of insulting a friend with the same flippant sarcasm you’d hurl at your spouse. But we do it every day without even grasping the dark irony.
If we all began to speak with genuine kindness to our spouses, our children, our coworkers, the cashier at the grocery store, and the customer service representative on the telephone, the world would become a vastly different place overnight.
And it has to start with each one of us. Right where we are. With the people who are in our lives right now. Even those people that we feel aren’t deserving of kindness.
We can’t wait for our spouse or significant other to be kind first; we can't decide to be kind only if other people notice and appreciate our kindness.
We must make a decision to be kind no matter what.
Any time we make a conscious choice to be kind, we heal and nourish our own hearts.
That’s the lovely irony of it all. By making a concerted effort to pour kindness into the world, we ourselves end up reaping the biggest benefits of all.
Be kind. Be kind. Be kind.
